Tired of not knowing

Choices or just absence of information... tired of not knowing what to do or what will happen. Where will life go? My next home? Job? Friends? Most of all... a guy?

Why is there such a longing to be partnered with someone? To be a part of a team?
Why such a longing for a best friend? Someone to be intimate with deeply, and I'm not talking sexually?

This longing gets stronger all the time and bothers me so much. I feel like the days of desiring single hood was just yesterday, but it's been over 6 years that I've longed for something else. I often wish I could go back to the days I was relishing in being single. My friends were marrying and starting families, but I knew it was not my time and enjoyed the freedom to do anything I wanted when I wanted. Now I long for someone to help me make a decision, make me consider them in my decision, even tell me no when I don't want to hear it because it is for the best... sounds a bit like having parents, but this is different. Having a man over you, guiding you, heading your household is such a different thing and that is what I so deeply and greatly desire.

I think the past still lingers, cuz for a moment I had a taste of someone like this in my life. It was such a wonderful thing, feeling. It felt so normal and I thought we were to be together for life. Then it ended. I had never submitted and trusted anyone, outside of God and my parents, so much. I was ready to jump full in, getting soaked for this guy. Whatever we needed to do, where ever we needed to go... I was ready because it was with him and I felt he was "the one".

Now as I work on my healing and moving forth, well it's like having a taste of chocolate and wanting a king sized version but it's just out of reach. You can feel it's there but can't see it and want it soooooo bad. That is where I am. I had a taste of that couple hood and what giving up my life to share with another was like and I want to eat a king sized version.

Maybe tho, and this is the thought that bothers me most of all and has me considering if this is why I haven't met "the one"... I think as much as I'm working on healing, I still can't see my life with anyone but him. How do I move on from that. It's been almost 2 yrs later. Can someone still be so into, not over someone after that long??

I've dated. I've found guys that are soooo close to what I want. I'm even talking to one now who completely impresses me and is sooo amazing, yet... my thoughts still flicker back to memories. To a time when I deeply loved another like I have no other. To a time when I thought someone else was my best friend for life. And I wonder if I will ever find that again? If anyone else could fill that spot?

Lord, only you know. I cry and pray about this so much. I cry out for this person, these memories, this deep feeling to be taken, removed, even lessened a bit... and yet some days it all feels stronger than when it was reality. Like it wont ever go away.
I don't understand....

- Foolish girl still in love

Is it love?

No no. I'm not in love. I just WISH!!!
You know those times when you meet a guy, then you become friends, then you learn more about him, and last but not least you have your moment of "Could he be the one?" Yeah. Def have one in my life... so I'm forming a little crush, but who knows how long it'll actually last because lately if I see a guy that is physically my type (which I'm just learning I have BTW, lol) I think "ooh, love! I could date him" Wink wink. Lol. I think my heart is just pounding for the right guy to finally come into my life.

 Ba-bump ba-bump bump bump ba-bump.

 Come now love, my heart is

pounding for

YOU!!!! 

And I absolutely CAN'T wait

for this with

YOU!!! 

And most of 

all... 

Come on you silly Weirdo!! 

I'm waiting for

YOU!!! 

And I'm not gonna stop waiting,

but

I do hope you come soon. 

:D

I need some opinions and thoughts please...

So I've been confused the last couple days. Emotions poppin up that I thought were gone, which just made me more and more confused everytime. So I'm watching this show... one I'd rather not admit I watch, but since this blog is all the uglies in me... Gossip Girl. Yes yes, I know. Anywho, so this couple, parents.... they aren't working out and they are discussing it and I heard this-

"And at what point do we admit, that no matter how much we want it or how hard we try... it's just not working."

I've gotta remember that cuz 

I'm tired of 

this... 

and this...

 

And living like this is
true...

   and this...

And believing this so much
it holds me back

And really hoping this isn't true,

wanna be done 

believing this...

And above all else, I mostly
wanna believe that
this...

is true.

So I no longer have... 

about him.

Lord, teach me to trust you.

I know I don't really share my faith on here. I don't believe in being religious. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in a relationship with Him. All that to say... I've been praying and praying and praying and praying and praying, and that keeps going... and I feel my emotions getting stronger, not weaker for this guy. I don't like it. 

Ok, I'm just gonna get really honest with ya'll... like really honest ok. Please don't judge cuz I've had enough of that. Thanks... So... 

I keep feeling like, when I date someone else I'll get over him... but I've never truly been the type to believe more dating helps you move on.

-Am I wrong????

I don't know what to do. I pray. I tell myself to stop thinking about him. I distract myself by calling/texting friends to ask about their day. I'd rather think of my friends and how they are than him. I am focused on my career. Focused on hobbies. Focused on friends. And yet he never strays. Sometimes I'm fluttered by him, sometimes I feel so angry at him, sometimes I feel so sad by him, and sometimes I'm so ridiculously happy thinking about him. We stopped talking for 10 months... and he never left my mind. We became friends again. Probably shouldn't have. Of course it's made my longing worse.

-Should I stop being his friend???

The worse of it all really, he's dating many gals now. I'm trying. I have some guys interested in me... but I'm not interested in them. I'm trying. I really am. He's totally moved on. 

-Why am I not over him???

Does anyone understand any of this?? Does anyone have answers or even some ideas??

How do I move on? Like honestly? I hate leading guys on... but I do keep wondering if I just need to have another bf to get over him... it doesn't feel right tho. I've been on several dates since him, but nothing feels right. The guys are always way more into me and I'm barely into them. 

I also wonder if I'm missing my chance with "the one" because I'm to stuck on him?? 

-Is that possible???

I need some answers... or maybe just someone to talk to cuz all my friends are tired of hearing about it and say I should be done and over him... help.

The pain is so deep

It hurts so bad

The pain is soo intense 

and 

won't go away

It makes me feel so sad. 

and

alone. 

I feel more alone than I have

in a long time.

I don't want to feel this

but 

I don't have much choice.

Gotta work thru the grief.

The grief of 

Why does it feel like this now?

After so much time?

And each time I try to move on...

you are there again. 

Every time I exchange one 

sad memory

for a better one

there you are reminding me of the past.

Wanting me, but not really.

Playing with my mind

my heart.

Twisting my emotions so I feel 

like... 

crying and hiding

and when I evaluate my emotions again

All I wanna tell you

is... 

 

 

but I don't want to feel this anymore.

You ripped my heart apart.

And didn't care.

You allowed others to treat bad,

and didn't defend me.

You said you realized everything to late.

You're right.

I might be crying.

I might be confused.

I might be hurting

remembering you.

But at least I'm not

TO LATE! 

I'm sooo done with you.

Now how do I get you out of my life?

Blocking you?

Moving?

Saying so?

No... 

somehow you always come back. 

So I guess I'm just gonna pray and hope

with all my heart.

That I can know 200% I am over you. 

That I am done with your drama.

That you are gone.

I'm gonna pray and hope with all my heart...

that I can move on and open my heart to another.

 

Maybe I won't know till I open my heart to another. 

So thats what I'm doing.

And as you watch me with other guys,

 I hope you remember 

all the good-all you'll miss. 

That I really was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

That I was the only one willing to put up with your crap,

when it really shouldn't have happened.

That I was the only one willing to give you all of my heart.

Fully. 100%.

Not because I didn't haved options.

Not because I was desperate.

Not because I needed you.

But because I chose you.

I loved you.

And I wanted you.

and most of all I truly hope you

never forget...

you are to late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 And for myself, away from all the heartache

 I'm not gonna forget...

 

I gave my all

when

I am worth so much more. 

... almost in tears ... again.

My hearts hurting right now. More than it has in a long time. It's been a hard ... weeks. But today all the little stuff add up, and it hurts. My heart is aching. Really aching. I cry. I pray. Nothing. My heart is sad and I don't know how to stop it... and probably shouldn't. i should just let it work thru it's grief...

One of the hurts, which isn't so big on it's own...
Everytime I meet a guy and we get along great... there is always something that eventually comes up that's wrong. I don't have a ridiculous list. I feel if others can find this then I can to... but it's not happening.

Christian
Honest
Has Integrity
And at least and inch taller than me

There are plenty of guys who line up with that.. but not into me. The ones into me are the opposite of that. It's getting harder and each time I drop hope.
I don't wanna lose hope. I guess I just feel my hope and excitement rising and it hurts when it drops.

Sigh. I know he's out there... but I'm tired of waiting. Sigh.

Compromised

In the new Star Trek, Spock had been emotional compromised which lead to poor decisions. That was me all day.

The gal who judged me after knowing me 2 days... 

upset me to such an extent I don't wanna see her face anymore.

A suppose friend had me all confused cuz he acts nice to get his way

and when I realize it, it's to late.

Another friend, one of my best friends

is moving out of state.

My other best friend

her gramps died, how do I help?

I'm so ridiculously frustrated, but mostly emotionally compromised to make poor decisions.

The gal who judged me after knowing me 2 days... 

I said some pretty blunt harsh things

I did mean, but should have

kept silent.

A suppose friend had me all confused cuz he acts nice to get his way

and I give in because my brain is foggy.

I mean, give in 

physically.

Another friend, one of my best friends

she is gonna be gone and all I 

wanna do is keep her 

near.

My other best friend

she's heartbroken from a death so near to her

and I'm not sure how to bring her

comfort.

I'm starting to feel lost. 

Lost in her drama. Lost in his lies. 

Lost in her parting. Lost in her heartache. 

I don't know what to do in any of it. 

No I do, I should

Ignore her drama. Fight his lies.

Let her go. Comfort her.

All of which I can't seem to find the strength in me for. To much as been happening all at once, and in 2 days all of it came barreling down on me heavy. And just the last straw hit, while I'm supposed to be laying in comfort in ones arms, I realized I wasn't comfortable at all. Reality settled down. All of it. None left standing. All the troubles, the pains, the frustrations and trials. I feel a bit trapped in a tornado that I can't stop from destroying feelings. And I don't really know what to do.

My comfort deceived me. 

My rock is moving. 

My light is flickering. 

The comfort is gone.

The rock soon will be.

but the light, she'll

always stay.

Flickering or not but...

I'm her rock.

I can't be a rock right now.

I am falling fast and.

crumbling to the 

ground.

So what do I do now???

... sad times happen...

Just feeling heavy. Weighed down, and this time the feeling is lasting longer than normal... I can't shake it... and I don't know what to do. ...

I'm missing "the one", not even knowing who he is.
I'm missing having someone to cuddle.
I'm missing having someone to share life with.
I'm missing running to someone when I'm sad.
I'm missing someone to twirl and smile to when they make me happy and my heart flutter.

I feel so weighed down with waiting.
Waiting.
Always waiting.

My heart feels heavy

so heavy.

sad

so sad. 

I feel trapped

under the weight.

I can't breath

with this pressure.

I wanna cry

but can't.

Tears drown me

as I wait.

Always waiting.

To wait is inevitable...

so what do I do in the wait??