If you're freely mean... you inspire me.

Ok. I just posted, and it is a post nothing like how I usually am. I don't hate or discriminate. I accept everyone and their problems because.. God knows I've got enough of my own. I'm not perfect, but I have always tried to live in... "Treat others as you wanna be treated."
But when you treat others with respect and are nice, when is it time they do treat you as you are treating them?? When did nice come to mean "walk all over me."? When did standing up for yourself me "treat me like crap more because you don't like me going against you."? When did trying to help others turn into "you don't accept me so I'm gonna make you feel guilty for it."?

Everything has been twisted these days. Its not ok to be "too nice". Which is who I am, I can't help it. I can't hide it either, I think manipulative people smell it miles away. I can tell strangers "No!" but my own friends and family have learned what to say or do to make me feel bad if I don't wanna do everything they want.
I hate manipulation. I don't hate manipulators... I just hate that they are either born that way, or feel they have to do it to get what they want.
I hate hating. I don't wanna hate anyone. When I feel I do, it makes me cry because it's a horrible feeling.

I started this blog so I could free my heart, but I haven't kept up writing here. I should. The more time away, the more I hold things in.... the more I feel in bondage.

I'm tired of my heart feeling trapped and hurting. I think my heart will always hurt cuz I'm so sensitive to the littlest mean thing... but I want my heart to feel free in its hurt, not bound.
I like people who can be soooo blunt in who they are, that they don't care what others think. Maybe they care if they hurt someone but in a sense don't care if they hurt someone cuz they are who they are.

I wanna be me. Fully free. Well, I am with one person. My best friend. Its why she's my best friend I guess. I feel that should be ok, that I don't have to have so much freedom with everyone else, she takes enough of my crap in free expression... but its not enough. I love her dearly and am sooo ridiculously grateful for who she is and what she puts up with from me. I want more tho.
I want that with all my loved ones family or friends.
Everytime I'm fully me tho, it gets put down or criticized, taken advantage of, or trying to change me. I wanna change in ways, I wanna be a better person. But I have to many people trying to change me into their selfish thoughts of what they desire or what they think is best.

Isn't it my life? Shouldn't I have freedom to grow, change, and give how I want. I'm ok with allowing others a bit more selfish freedom... but when will karma return to me? When will I reap what I sow?

Sigh. I'm tired. Emotionally drained and I don't know how to replenish that.

Thoughts? Opinions? Anyone?

I hate you

Have ever wanted to say "Fuck you! You don't get what you want this time. Its my turn."? 

Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

Supposed friends, fucking you over. 

Its not like me to curse, but I'm done. 

These are the best words when done.

FUCK YOU DICK!!!! 

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and him acting like I owe him.

What the fuck do I owe you?? Huh??

Nothing! I've paid my dues, and besides that....

FRIENDS OWE NOTHING!!! 

I have never treated my friends like he treats his.

Somehow he thinks its ok.

Why?

Cuz everyone lets him.

Then I finally stand up for myself and say...

ITS NOT OK!

And what happens...

yeah, I'm the one who gets fucked 

with the fucking crap. 

I'm done. 

Done.

But one fucking problem and it's all mine...

I'm stuck. 

I'm stuck and because I don't know how to get out, 

its really my problem.. 

right?

"They" say it takes two to tango, 

so then it's not all my fault. 

But my fucking problem 

that has allowed

this fucking drama... 

I take it. 

I stand up for myself 

one

two

maybe three times

then I ... 

give up. 

So I wanna be done. 

I'm so tired.

so tired.

stuck.

lost. 

How do I stop this?

Get away?

Let go?

Help?

Who knows

So there is a song by Natasha Beddingfield called "Who Knows", its a good song. Well that's kinda random cuz its not really where my mind is...

I wonder how many people see this. I just learned I have a 2nd follower, that's interesting to me cuz I know I gave the url to one friend... then I learned I didn't really wanna give this to in person friends.
Do you ever feel like talking to strangers is much easy? I do. I feel they aren't set in who they think I am, so I have freedom. I feel that even if they are judging me, they'll be to polite to tell me, so more freedom. I think I miss freedom.

Yet... a couple people I know, know I blog... or really its just writing to me... and I wonder if they have found this... and how much freedom I still have. Am I over thinking this?? Probably. But I know there are def 2 people I never want to see this cuz I never wanna here their judgement or anything.

Ok, all that was kinda random, and not at all what I'd normally post, but as I'm growing and over coming  problems, and as this is a free zone for me to post whatever I want... I just wanna grow past feeling hindered over what people think.
I used to not care, then one day I did and its such a battle to over come... sometimes I don't and that's nice.
Well, yeah, I just need to get over it and start blogging how I feel again. This isn't about what others think, its about freely expressing myself in a place where I'm not judged so I might hopefully grow and get past emotional hinderances...

Hope ya'll are able to get past your own hinderances, and if in anyway my blogs help, I'm glad and thank you for reading! :)

I wanna cry... and maybe I will

This is me

most of the time.

Just allowing a few tears,

while the pain holds in. 

But this is me, 

inwardly.

How I wanna be,

outwardly. 

I think this time I will allow it. If only I could have that freedom all the time.. 

I've been thru so much crap that I never deserved. I've never treated someone so bad. 

I've never had anyone treat me so bad besides my mother... but he did. 

Somehow he still gets away with it. 

I never in my life thought sorry wouldn't be enough... for the first time tho,

his sorrys don't change a thing. 

It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't heal the hurt. 

Maybe because he hasn't really changed what happened, and continues to hurt. 

I'm finally writing this because I realize I'm stuck. 

I don't know how to get unstuck. 

I've always had the strength.

Now I'm to weak. 

What I keep thinking most is:

He was always distracted by others. 

Always living in regret. 

Hanging on to them like he owned them.

And they clung on blindly.

I shouldn't have put up with it. 

I just kept thinking.... if he really wants to marry me, 

then I need to be willing to get thru anything.

I held on when I didn't know why.

I held on no matter how much he made me cry. 

I have never known a feeling so bad. 

A pain so deep. 

Now...

I just want it gone, 

so I can move on! 

So much time has past. 

I thought I had dealt with it. 

I think now I'm finally being fully honest.

My heart still hurts and I dont know how to let go.

but i want to.. 

so bad.

I've kinda met someone. Hes super nice. We have a lot in common while being complete opposites. He's so pure. Never even kissed a girl. I wanna give him a chance so bad, but I didn't realize how full my heart still was. He's such a nice guy that I don't wanna hurt him either. I feel so torn. I don't wanna miss a chance with an honest gentleman, but I don't want to hurt him. 

I don't know if I can't get feelings for him because my heart is full.... or if its just not meant to be. So I feel I'm trying to give it a chance.. yet I've realized I haven't fully healed. 

I also got lost in some illusion the past portrayed. 

I believed in promises that were broken.

Nothing is ever gonna happen.

There will never be room for me....

there never was. 

No matter what he say's,

actions really do speak louder than words. 

I need to let go, 

I just don't know .. 

how. 

Near to you - A fine Frenzy

This is where I wish I was... cuz at least I'd be one step forward... one step closer... one step further away from where I am.

Lyrics

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

Maybe...

Maybe its my fault I often feel bound.... I get out of my head, grow a spine, get a life... then at some point I find myself back in my head, spineless, and lifeless... then Im left wondering when that happened...  so here I am, realizing and wanting to reverse it but instead will just have to try again.. and again.. and again, till I figure it out. Sigh...

You'd think I'd learn

Somehow I still end up in the same place... 

I pray and wish so hard for these feelings to go away... 

They wont. 

They stay. 

So here I am inwardly feeling so torn apart, 

but on the outside I just smile big. 

I dont quite know how to handle this... 

either direction I go, I ache. 

If I leave, if I stay...

my feelings never go away. 

but when I stay, ...

everything feels twice as hard to handle.

So why dont I leave?

You'd think I'd learn...

so why havent I?

Why am I still here?

Paramore - Breathe

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Into your empty hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

Heard the cracking of my heart breaking... not a pleasent sound

Everything is over, but I was dealing to much with my hurts to see my heart.

Now you hold my heart in your hand, and you don't even know it.

And so here I am, feeling like I'm sitting in an empty room, alone.

Realizing, I can't go back and fill up the space.

So my lips are seal. 

There is nothing more I can say,

that you will hear. 

My words of the past have pushed you to far,

to have you near again.

But if I could say one thing

it would be.... 

and...

and for myself... 

I just sit thinking... 

asking... 

How do I move on?

How do I let go,

knowing I still love him?

The heart wants what the heart wants,

but it can't always have it. 

I've never been in this place.

So how do I stop this pain...

of desire for what I've lost?

Almost Lover... goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never

ever forget these images

Well i'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted

And i bet you are just fine

Did i make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Goodbye. It took near a yr, but I'm officially, finally... saying goodbye to it all. Just memories now, and memories is where it stops. I wish you well and blessings. I must turn now, walk down the road better designed for me, away from you. Goodbye VT-o.

iTs TiMe

In the scheme of life, whats really important?

Friends?

Love?

Finding yourself?

As I've been going thru this healing process of life,

I realize my issue isnt what's important.

My issue is breakin free,

so I can get to what's important.

I've been held back by others for so long,

and I wanna be done..

I am done.

I've been cutting off relationships,

not forever,

but for now.

It's just time right?

Time to heal and turn off their voice inside my head.

Time to figure out myself away from them

Time to mess up without their judgement.

Time to be free.

Most of all,

Time to...

Unlock the doors I've kept shut.

Its time to be me for me.

The only way to do that is to allow my door to open,

for me to come pouring out.

And be bold, unafraid.

Its time.

Pain of Love and the Choices we make for it.

"Choices.

Nearly a year of them, all told.

A year of the hardest choices I'd ever made.

And every time, without fail...

I'd chosen the dead-end road.

The one that led only to pain, if it led anywhere at all."

"Now the time had finally come for me to step away from that road...

and choose the path that really went somewhere.

The path that destiny itself had guided me to.

And in the end...

If the only choice that life has left you...

is a choice between something and nothing...

don't you in fact...

have no choice at all?

Well,...

Of course you do."

"Sometimes when I watch a happy couple from a distance,

which is something I do more often than a normal person should,

I wish I could warn them about love.

Warn them that it never goes quite the way you want it to.

That indeed, it can sometimes go so wrong...

so horribly, agonizingly wrong...

That you begin to fear it's killing you.

Or even that it has already killed you...

killed the very best part of you...

and left you

for dead.

But

I can't tell them that.

They'll have to learn it for themselves,

just as I did."

Hanging my heart for healing... finally.

This week...

I've been hanging my broken heart for all to see

I think tonight, something broke in me.

So tired of pretending to not care,

Just cuz friends say "Get over it"

So tired of holding everything in,

and actually believing...

I can JUST "Get over it"

This week....

I've been shutting out the world,

Cuz I just wanna heal.

I dont wanna hear crap,

from those who cant deal.

I'm ready to "Get over it",

but first..

My heart has some things to say!

This week...

I have learned its time to walk,

My own path

A new path

I love my friends,

but I'm jumping off

the pedastal

I wont do everything just right.

I will make mistakes

But at least I'm trying to live

again.... finally.

So I spoke up, finally, to someone. I grew a spine I guess.. or I grew mine back, its always been there, just out of operation lately, lol. Its amazing how strong we can be in the midst of turmoil, but how weak and tired we feel when its over. I have been weak, and slowly finding my strength. I'm glad I was honest.
I recognized tho, how much going thru so much friend drama brought more chaos into the relationship. Its amazing what we will put up with, stay thru, support, when we love someone enough. But sometimes going thru all that, even for love, is what breaks us.
I was thinking to- how everything is connected. So far I thought much of my pain and frustrations lately were from the break up... but amazingly, dealing with a hard friendship released so so much. Showing me how it connected some of my frustration in the relationship, I was relating it to him cuz he was there.. but really he did nothing. And now tonight.. my heart spoke, and it released me from more than I thought. And this is why my heart needs a voice.. to get over everything I've kept silent on. So this blog started off with healing of a broken relationship, but just may very well become healing in general. Letting my heart finally speak!

Why?

We said we were done. We said it was for the best. We each had our issues getting over, but I was sure you were over me... and you said you wanted me to be over you. So why are you acting like this? I'm trying to work thru my healing and grow stronger and to know that I am over so I dont hurt someone with a rebound... so why?

One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry

(Cry, cry, no more laughter) I should be happy
(Oh, why did he go)I only know that
Since he left my life's so empty

Though I try to forget it just can't be done
Each time the doorbell rings I still run
I don't know how in the world
To stop thinking of him
'Cause I still love him so
I end each day the way I start out
Crying my heart out

One less man to pick up after
No more laughter, no more love
Since he went away (he went away)

(One less bell to answer) Why did he leave me
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Now I've got one less egg to fry
One less egg to fry
(Why, why, why did he leave) And all I do is cry
(One less bell to answer) Because a man told me goodbye
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Somebody tell me please
Where did he go, why did he go
(Why, why, why did he leave)tell me How could he leave me

(Burt Bacharach- One Less Bell to Answer)

Ok, so technically I made the final decision to walk away,

But its not like he ever came after me.

It still leaves emotions to deal with

Knowing...

He said how he wanted me,

But he didnt want ALL of me.

And I cant be second best or even tie for first.

I desire to be the one.

Wont settle for less.

So he's gone.



So twisted- but how many times so true

Not posting the lyrics this time... ya gotta check it for yourself.
Such a twisted song, but I get it. We were passionate in everything we did.. including our fighting. When it was good it was so GREAT, but when it was bad it was HORRIBLE.
It got to be so ridiculous, but it was what it was ya know. We still loved each other. I dont know if it's fortunate we got out or not. We say how we still love each other- but we were destroying each other. Just a month ago he was saying how he wished I'd move in with him again so he could take care of me, but I knew we couldnt go down that path again. I finally said no- that I didnt even wanna see him again, that I had to move on. That decision was one of the hardest I made. I dont know what he's thinking a month later cuz I wont go back anymore... but I find I still miss him like crazy. And tho I'm comparing guys less and less. 6 months of being broken up... but 5 of that still keeping in touch makes breaking up seriously hard to do. I can't quite say I lovED him like its over, cuz I still feel like its current, but I just keep tellin myself that one day I'll be over. One day, it'll be a memory. One day, someone else will take that place. One day...
One day.

What do you do when...

What do you do?

So you deeply love them, but they just wanna be friends. You know things could be great, because they were at one time, but they dont see anything in the future... except being friends.

Do you wait [hopeful or in denial of truth] for them, believing they just might change their mind someday? I mean, you are deeply in love and no matter what you do, you just cant see anyone else. You've tried, but you cant [even if you wait your whole life, lonely cuz they never chose you]
Do you give up the friendship [saying if its not more I dont want it!] and just let the person go [giving up, or honestly saying goodbye]? I mean, you did consider them as one of  your best friends, and you deeply love them. They say if you love something let it go, if its meant to be, it'll come back.. right?
Do you allow yourself to stay friends [accepting the truth] while you watch them go in and out of relationships [knowing they wont get in a relationship with you] and ache each break up that they run to you but dont choose you? I mean, like you've always been there for them, they are like your best friend, and you deeply love them. Maybe, ["just maybe" you think] the next time they'll see YOU and choose YOU[honestly knowing, they've made up their mind].

What do you do when you love someone, and maybe you two gave it a shot. It was passionately amazing, and not only did they say you were the best person they've ever dated, but you knew it [cuz you saw and heard how the others were and strived to top that]. Everything about the relationship says "the one"... till something changed[life happens- moves you, immobilizes, stresses you]... and then they couldnt handle it [didnt wanna fight for it]..
Do you give up when they say "break up"? I mean, you put all you could into it [counseling, friends, books, doing all their favorites], so there's nothing left right?
Do you stay and fight more [dragging the frustrations further]? I mean, you've been fighting, so it wouldnt be much different [but maybe this time something will break thru].
Do you just say ok, and walk away? I mean, its over right. At what point do you know to give up?

So maybe you are in love with your friend, and maybe you tried it with your friend and you broke up... somehow its all different now, and you know this... but something in you cant move forward[cuz you honestly loved them deeper than you've loved anyone]. What do you do then?
And what if you already made your choice[and it hurt so deeply to do, but you had to be strong] and then  you regret it... and you know- there is no turning back... cuz this decision was the final decision. What do you do then?

I'm sorry.

"Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right"

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl[boy] and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl[boy] and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

Inspired and tired

So, this is my first time starting this.. I had a blog yrs ago, when I was younger and life had not been lived with such emotions. I've been inspired to write by another and others in general. The idea seems soothing and freeing. I guess its time for this new emo lived life to be poured out little by little and maybe free up room for others to come in again... or another to come in again.

The Unspoken Heart is what I've chosen because I have not allowed my heart to speak in such a long time. Always living for others, keeping others happy, while something slowly breaks or dies in me. Finally I lost myself in others. So who am I anymore? Hopefully my heart will find a voice and let me know again. All I know is... I've lived, loved, learned.