Why is there such a longing to be partnered with someone? To be a part of a team?
Why such a longing for a best friend? Someone to be intimate with deeply, and I'm not talking sexually?
This longing gets stronger all the time and bothers me so much. I feel like the days of desiring single hood was just yesterday, but it's been over 6 years that I've longed for something else. I often wish I could go back to the days I was relishing in being single. My friends were marrying and starting families, but I knew it was not my time and enjoyed the freedom to do anything I wanted when I wanted. Now I long for someone to help me make a decision, make me consider them in my decision, even tell me no when I don't want to hear it because it is for the best... sounds a bit like having parents, but this is different. Having a man over you, guiding you, heading your household is such a different thing and that is what I so deeply and greatly desire.
I think the past still lingers, cuz for a moment I had a taste of someone like this in my life. It was such a wonderful thing, feeling. It felt so normal and I thought we were to be together for life. Then it ended. I had never submitted and trusted anyone, outside of God and my parents, so much. I was ready to jump full in, getting soaked for this guy. Whatever we needed to do, where ever we needed to go... I was ready because it was with him and I felt he was "the one".
Now as I work on my healing and moving forth, well it's like having a taste of chocolate and wanting a king sized version but it's just out of reach. You can feel it's there but can't see it and want it soooooo bad. That is where I am. I had a taste of that couple hood and what giving up my life to share with another was like and I want to eat a king sized version.
Maybe tho, and this is the thought that bothers me most of all and has me considering if this is why I haven't met "the one"... I think as much as I'm working on healing, I still can't see my life with anyone but him. How do I move on from that. It's been almost 2 yrs later. Can someone still be so into, not over someone after that long??
I've dated. I've found guys that are soooo close to what I want. I'm even talking to one now who completely impresses me and is sooo amazing, yet... my thoughts still flicker back to memories. To a time when I deeply loved another like I have no other. To a time when I thought someone else was my best friend for life. And I wonder if I will ever find that again? If anyone else could fill that spot?
Lord, only you know. I cry and pray about this so much. I cry out for this person, these memories, this deep feeling to be taken, removed, even lessened a bit... and yet some days it all feels stronger than when it was reality. Like it wont ever go away.
I don't understand....
- Foolish girl still in love
