Why?

We said we were done. We said it was for the best. We each had our issues getting over, but I was sure you were over me... and you said you wanted me to be over you. So why are you acting like this? I'm trying to work thru my healing and grow stronger and to know that I am over so I dont hurt someone with a rebound... so why?

One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry

(Cry, cry, no more laughter) I should be happy
(Oh, why did he go)I only know that
Since he left my life's so empty

Though I try to forget it just can't be done
Each time the doorbell rings I still run
I don't know how in the world
To stop thinking of him
'Cause I still love him so
I end each day the way I start out
Crying my heart out

One less man to pick up after
No more laughter, no more love
Since he went away (he went away)

(One less bell to answer) Why did he leave me
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Now I've got one less egg to fry
One less egg to fry
(Why, why, why did he leave) And all I do is cry
(One less bell to answer) Because a man told me goodbye
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Somebody tell me please
Where did he go, why did he go
(Why, why, why did he leave)tell me How could he leave me

(Burt Bacharach- One Less Bell to Answer)

Ok, so technically I made the final decision to walk away,

But its not like he ever came after me.

It still leaves emotions to deal with

Knowing...

He said how he wanted me,

But he didnt want ALL of me.

And I cant be second best or even tie for first.

I desire to be the one.

Wont settle for less.

So he's gone.



So twisted- but how many times so true

Not posting the lyrics this time... ya gotta check it for yourself.
Such a twisted song, but I get it. We were passionate in everything we did.. including our fighting. When it was good it was so GREAT, but when it was bad it was HORRIBLE.
It got to be so ridiculous, but it was what it was ya know. We still loved each other. I dont know if it's fortunate we got out or not. We say how we still love each other- but we were destroying each other. Just a month ago he was saying how he wished I'd move in with him again so he could take care of me, but I knew we couldnt go down that path again. I finally said no- that I didnt even wanna see him again, that I had to move on. That decision was one of the hardest I made. I dont know what he's thinking a month later cuz I wont go back anymore... but I find I still miss him like crazy. And tho I'm comparing guys less and less. 6 months of being broken up... but 5 of that still keeping in touch makes breaking up seriously hard to do. I can't quite say I lovED him like its over, cuz I still feel like its current, but I just keep tellin myself that one day I'll be over. One day, it'll be a memory. One day, someone else will take that place. One day...
One day.

What do you do when...

What do you do?

So you deeply love them, but they just wanna be friends. You know things could be great, because they were at one time, but they dont see anything in the future... except being friends.

Do you wait [hopeful or in denial of truth] for them, believing they just might change their mind someday? I mean, you are deeply in love and no matter what you do, you just cant see anyone else. You've tried, but you cant [even if you wait your whole life, lonely cuz they never chose you]
Do you give up the friendship [saying if its not more I dont want it!] and just let the person go [giving up, or honestly saying goodbye]? I mean, you did consider them as one of  your best friends, and you deeply love them. They say if you love something let it go, if its meant to be, it'll come back.. right?
Do you allow yourself to stay friends [accepting the truth] while you watch them go in and out of relationships [knowing they wont get in a relationship with you] and ache each break up that they run to you but dont choose you? I mean, like you've always been there for them, they are like your best friend, and you deeply love them. Maybe, ["just maybe" you think] the next time they'll see YOU and choose YOU[honestly knowing, they've made up their mind].

What do you do when you love someone, and maybe you two gave it a shot. It was passionately amazing, and not only did they say you were the best person they've ever dated, but you knew it [cuz you saw and heard how the others were and strived to top that]. Everything about the relationship says "the one"... till something changed[life happens- moves you, immobilizes, stresses you]... and then they couldnt handle it [didnt wanna fight for it]..
Do you give up when they say "break up"? I mean, you put all you could into it [counseling, friends, books, doing all their favorites], so there's nothing left right?
Do you stay and fight more [dragging the frustrations further]? I mean, you've been fighting, so it wouldnt be much different [but maybe this time something will break thru].
Do you just say ok, and walk away? I mean, its over right. At what point do you know to give up?

So maybe you are in love with your friend, and maybe you tried it with your friend and you broke up... somehow its all different now, and you know this... but something in you cant move forward[cuz you honestly loved them deeper than you've loved anyone]. What do you do then?
And what if you already made your choice[and it hurt so deeply to do, but you had to be strong] and then  you regret it... and you know- there is no turning back... cuz this decision was the final decision. What do you do then?

I'm sorry.

"Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right"

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl[boy] and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl[boy] and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

Inspired and tired

So, this is my first time starting this.. I had a blog yrs ago, when I was younger and life had not been lived with such emotions. I've been inspired to write by another and others in general. The idea seems soothing and freeing. I guess its time for this new emo lived life to be poured out little by little and maybe free up room for others to come in again... or another to come in again.

The Unspoken Heart is what I've chosen because I have not allowed my heart to speak in such a long time. Always living for others, keeping others happy, while something slowly breaks or dies in me. Finally I lost myself in others. So who am I anymore? Hopefully my heart will find a voice and let me know again. All I know is... I've lived, loved, learned.