The pain is so deep

It hurts so bad

The pain is soo intense 

and 

won't go away

It makes me feel so sad. 

and

alone. 

I feel more alone than I have

in a long time.

I don't want to feel this

but 

I don't have much choice.

Gotta work thru the grief.

The grief of 

Why does it feel like this now?

After so much time?

And each time I try to move on...

you are there again. 

Every time I exchange one 

sad memory

for a better one

there you are reminding me of the past.

Wanting me, but not really.

Playing with my mind

my heart.

Twisting my emotions so I feel 

like... 

crying and hiding

and when I evaluate my emotions again

All I wanna tell you

is... 

 

 

but I don't want to feel this anymore.

You ripped my heart apart.

And didn't care.

You allowed others to treat bad,

and didn't defend me.

You said you realized everything to late.

You're right.

I might be crying.

I might be confused.

I might be hurting

remembering you.

But at least I'm not

TO LATE! 

I'm sooo done with you.

Now how do I get you out of my life?

Blocking you?

Moving?

Saying so?

No... 

somehow you always come back. 

So I guess I'm just gonna pray and hope

with all my heart.

That I can know 200% I am over you. 

That I am done with your drama.

That you are gone.

I'm gonna pray and hope with all my heart...

that I can move on and open my heart to another.

 

Maybe I won't know till I open my heart to another. 

So thats what I'm doing.

And as you watch me with other guys,

 I hope you remember 

all the good-all you'll miss. 

That I really was the best thing that ever happened to you. 

That I was the only one willing to put up with your crap,

when it really shouldn't have happened.

That I was the only one willing to give you all of my heart.

Fully. 100%.

Not because I didn't haved options.

Not because I was desperate.

Not because I needed you.

But because I chose you.

I loved you.

And I wanted you.

and most of all I truly hope you

never forget...

you are to late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 And for myself, away from all the heartache

 I'm not gonna forget...

 

I gave my all

when

I am worth so much more. 

... almost in tears ... again.

My hearts hurting right now. More than it has in a long time. It's been a hard ... weeks. But today all the little stuff add up, and it hurts. My heart is aching. Really aching. I cry. I pray. Nothing. My heart is sad and I don't know how to stop it... and probably shouldn't. i should just let it work thru it's grief...

One of the hurts, which isn't so big on it's own...
Everytime I meet a guy and we get along great... there is always something that eventually comes up that's wrong. I don't have a ridiculous list. I feel if others can find this then I can to... but it's not happening.

Christian
Honest
Has Integrity
And at least and inch taller than me

There are plenty of guys who line up with that.. but not into me. The ones into me are the opposite of that. It's getting harder and each time I drop hope.
I don't wanna lose hope. I guess I just feel my hope and excitement rising and it hurts when it drops.

Sigh. I know he's out there... but I'm tired of waiting. Sigh.

Compromised

In the new Star Trek, Spock had been emotional compromised which lead to poor decisions. That was me all day.

The gal who judged me after knowing me 2 days... 

upset me to such an extent I don't wanna see her face anymore.

A suppose friend had me all confused cuz he acts nice to get his way

and when I realize it, it's to late.

Another friend, one of my best friends

is moving out of state.

My other best friend

her gramps died, how do I help?

I'm so ridiculously frustrated, but mostly emotionally compromised to make poor decisions.

The gal who judged me after knowing me 2 days... 

I said some pretty blunt harsh things

I did mean, but should have

kept silent.

A suppose friend had me all confused cuz he acts nice to get his way

and I give in because my brain is foggy.

I mean, give in 

physically.

Another friend, one of my best friends

she is gonna be gone and all I 

wanna do is keep her 

near.

My other best friend

she's heartbroken from a death so near to her

and I'm not sure how to bring her

comfort.

I'm starting to feel lost. 

Lost in her drama. Lost in his lies. 

Lost in her parting. Lost in her heartache. 

I don't know what to do in any of it. 

No I do, I should

Ignore her drama. Fight his lies.

Let her go. Comfort her.

All of which I can't seem to find the strength in me for. To much as been happening all at once, and in 2 days all of it came barreling down on me heavy. And just the last straw hit, while I'm supposed to be laying in comfort in ones arms, I realized I wasn't comfortable at all. Reality settled down. All of it. None left standing. All the troubles, the pains, the frustrations and trials. I feel a bit trapped in a tornado that I can't stop from destroying feelings. And I don't really know what to do.

My comfort deceived me. 

My rock is moving. 

My light is flickering. 

The comfort is gone.

The rock soon will be.

but the light, she'll

always stay.

Flickering or not but...

I'm her rock.

I can't be a rock right now.

I am falling fast and.

crumbling to the 

ground.

So what do I do now???

... sad times happen...

Just feeling heavy. Weighed down, and this time the feeling is lasting longer than normal... I can't shake it... and I don't know what to do. ...

I'm missing "the one", not even knowing who he is.
I'm missing having someone to cuddle.
I'm missing having someone to share life with.
I'm missing running to someone when I'm sad.
I'm missing someone to twirl and smile to when they make me happy and my heart flutter.

I feel so weighed down with waiting.
Waiting.
Always waiting.

My heart feels heavy

so heavy.

sad

so sad. 

I feel trapped

under the weight.

I can't breath

with this pressure.

I wanna cry

but can't.

Tears drown me

as I wait.

Always waiting.

To wait is inevitable...

so what do I do in the wait??