This is me
most of the time.
Just allowing a few tears,
while the pain holds in.
But this is me,
inwardly.
How I wanna be,
outwardly.
I think this time I will allow it. If only I could have that freedom all the time..
I've been thru so much crap that I never deserved. I've never treated someone so bad.
I've never had anyone treat me so bad besides my mother... but he did.
Somehow he still gets away with it.
I never in my life thought sorry wouldn't be enough... for the first time tho,
his sorrys don't change a thing.
It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't heal the hurt.
Maybe because he hasn't really changed what happened, and continues to hurt.
I'm finally writing this because I realize I'm stuck.
I don't know how to get unstuck.
I've always had the strength.
Now I'm to weak.
What I keep thinking most is:
He was always distracted by others.
Always living in regret.
Hanging on to them like he owned them.
And they clung on blindly.
I shouldn't have put up with it.
I just kept thinking.... if he really wants to marry me,
then I need to be willing to get thru anything.
I held on when I didn't know why.
I held on no matter how much he made me cry.
I have never known a feeling so bad.
A pain so deep.
Now...
I just want it gone,
so I can move on!
So much time has past.
I thought I had dealt with it.
I think now I'm finally being fully honest.
My heart still hurts and I dont know how to let go.
but i want to..
so bad.
I've kinda met someone. Hes super nice. We have a lot in common while being complete opposites. He's so pure. Never even kissed a girl. I wanna give him a chance so bad, but I didn't realize how full my heart still was. He's such a nice guy that I don't wanna hurt him either. I feel so torn. I don't wanna miss a chance with an honest gentleman, but I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know if I can't get feelings for him because my heart is full.... or if its just not meant to be. So I feel I'm trying to give it a chance.. yet I've realized I haven't fully healed.
I also got lost in some illusion the past portrayed.
I believed in promises that were broken.
Nothing is ever gonna happen.
There will never be room for me....
there never was.
No matter what he say's,
actions really do speak louder than words.
I need to let go,
I just don't know ..
how.
