If you're freely mean... you inspire me.

Ok. I just posted, and it is a post nothing like how I usually am. I don't hate or discriminate. I accept everyone and their problems because.. God knows I've got enough of my own. I'm not perfect, but I have always tried to live in... "Treat others as you wanna be treated."
But when you treat others with respect and are nice, when is it time they do treat you as you are treating them?? When did nice come to mean "walk all over me."? When did standing up for yourself me "treat me like crap more because you don't like me going against you."? When did trying to help others turn into "you don't accept me so I'm gonna make you feel guilty for it."?

Everything has been twisted these days. Its not ok to be "too nice". Which is who I am, I can't help it. I can't hide it either, I think manipulative people smell it miles away. I can tell strangers "No!" but my own friends and family have learned what to say or do to make me feel bad if I don't wanna do everything they want.
I hate manipulation. I don't hate manipulators... I just hate that they are either born that way, or feel they have to do it to get what they want.
I hate hating. I don't wanna hate anyone. When I feel I do, it makes me cry because it's a horrible feeling.

I started this blog so I could free my heart, but I haven't kept up writing here. I should. The more time away, the more I hold things in.... the more I feel in bondage.

I'm tired of my heart feeling trapped and hurting. I think my heart will always hurt cuz I'm so sensitive to the littlest mean thing... but I want my heart to feel free in its hurt, not bound.
I like people who can be soooo blunt in who they are, that they don't care what others think. Maybe they care if they hurt someone but in a sense don't care if they hurt someone cuz they are who they are.

I wanna be me. Fully free. Well, I am with one person. My best friend. Its why she's my best friend I guess. I feel that should be ok, that I don't have to have so much freedom with everyone else, she takes enough of my crap in free expression... but its not enough. I love her dearly and am sooo ridiculously grateful for who she is and what she puts up with from me. I want more tho.
I want that with all my loved ones family or friends.
Everytime I'm fully me tho, it gets put down or criticized, taken advantage of, or trying to change me. I wanna change in ways, I wanna be a better person. But I have to many people trying to change me into their selfish thoughts of what they desire or what they think is best.

Isn't it my life? Shouldn't I have freedom to grow, change, and give how I want. I'm ok with allowing others a bit more selfish freedom... but when will karma return to me? When will I reap what I sow?

Sigh. I'm tired. Emotionally drained and I don't know how to replenish that.

Thoughts? Opinions? Anyone?

I hate you

Have ever wanted to say "Fuck you! You don't get what you want this time. Its my turn."? 

Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

Supposed friends, fucking you over. 

Its not like me to curse, but I'm done. 

These are the best words when done.

FUCK YOU DICK!!!! 

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and him acting like I owe him.

What the fuck do I owe you?? Huh??

Nothing! I've paid my dues, and besides that....

FRIENDS OWE NOTHING!!! 

I have never treated my friends like he treats his.

Somehow he thinks its ok.

Why?

Cuz everyone lets him.

Then I finally stand up for myself and say...

ITS NOT OK!

And what happens...

yeah, I'm the one who gets fucked 

with the fucking crap. 

I'm done. 

Done.

But one fucking problem and it's all mine...

I'm stuck. 

I'm stuck and because I don't know how to get out, 

its really my problem.. 

right?

"They" say it takes two to tango, 

so then it's not all my fault. 

But my fucking problem 

that has allowed

this fucking drama... 

I take it. 

I stand up for myself 

one

two

maybe three times

then I ... 

give up. 

So I wanna be done. 

I'm so tired.

so tired.

stuck.

lost. 

How do I stop this?

Get away?

Let go?

Help?

Who knows

So there is a song by Natasha Beddingfield called "Who Knows", its a good song. Well that's kinda random cuz its not really where my mind is...

I wonder how many people see this. I just learned I have a 2nd follower, that's interesting to me cuz I know I gave the url to one friend... then I learned I didn't really wanna give this to in person friends.
Do you ever feel like talking to strangers is much easy? I do. I feel they aren't set in who they think I am, so I have freedom. I feel that even if they are judging me, they'll be to polite to tell me, so more freedom. I think I miss freedom.

Yet... a couple people I know, know I blog... or really its just writing to me... and I wonder if they have found this... and how much freedom I still have. Am I over thinking this?? Probably. But I know there are def 2 people I never want to see this cuz I never wanna here their judgement or anything.

Ok, all that was kinda random, and not at all what I'd normally post, but as I'm growing and over coming  problems, and as this is a free zone for me to post whatever I want... I just wanna grow past feeling hindered over what people think.
I used to not care, then one day I did and its such a battle to over come... sometimes I don't and that's nice.
Well, yeah, I just need to get over it and start blogging how I feel again. This isn't about what others think, its about freely expressing myself in a place where I'm not judged so I might hopefully grow and get past emotional hinderances...

Hope ya'll are able to get past your own hinderances, and if in anyway my blogs help, I'm glad and thank you for reading! :)