So disappointed... in myself.

Why does he keep breaking promises? Why would he make promises
he doesn't wanna keep? 

Not that he can't, but he just changes his mind because of what he wants. 

Why does he keep disappointing me?

OR

Why do I always trust him? Why do I always have hope, "maybe this time"?

He's done this since I met him, and I still wait for him to change. 

I guess... I'm more disappointed in myself.

For always trusting.

Believing.

Hoping.

...

...

Most of all,

disappointed for

wasting time

waiting. 

Try as you might... you can't

Oh some friends they are... putting others down. Sounding so "smart", without doing their research. In the end... they just look like asses. Why? Cuz I did my research!

You say you know me... then prove me wrong when I say you don't. Tonight, you proved me right. You don't know me at all. And guess what I learned about you? That you are nothing like the kind of guy I'm looking for. We met. We talked. We shared friends. Times goes by... and I considered more as you got more comfortable, touchy, flirty. I'm done before I truly began and in the end... I'm walking.

You let your friends, who know me for what... 2 days, make judgments... you sit and agree. I say "Wait, really? How am I like that?" you let your "friend" explain. I'm still looking at you, waiting for what you have to say. Nothing. Nothing is all you got. You don't know me.

I'm looking at you, trusting you. Hoping for you to hear me. I've been verbally beat up and slightly confused cuz I trusted you to know me. I looked to you and ask "Do you really believe that about me? Don't joke cuz I'm sensitive right now." You replied "yeah" and went silent as once again your "friend" goes on and on about what she thinks about me. She doesn't know me.

You don't know me. And now you've lost your chance to.

It takes more than standing up for friends to be a man... and that one thing you couldn't do. I've seen what else you can't do as soon as this "Friend" shows up... and I'm not waiting around to see what else you've failed to man up too.

I'm not allowing myself to be belittled like that from a man ever again. You aren't worth it.

And tho we have mutual friends... you'll still never know me cuz I'll only be cordial to you.

You don't know me.


And never will.

I'm done, so screw you.

I'm done. 

I'm not just closing the door anymore.

I've shut it. 

I'm gone.

I'm tired of you making me feel...

broken and fallen.

Crying in the sand.

I'm walking

away this time. 

for realz.

And 

you'll be watching like you always do.

but this time I won't hear

your voice calling

me back. 

My heart

will no longer be like sand 

that you can run thru

your hands. 

I've locked 

the door. 

and you do not get 

to have

a key. 

I'm stronger now.

I always have been, 

but I allowed you to make me feel weak.

Not anymore... 

I'm running free now.

far away from you. 

Freeing my heart

so it can

speak. 

If you're freely mean... you inspire me.

Ok. I just posted, and it is a post nothing like how I usually am. I don't hate or discriminate. I accept everyone and their problems because.. God knows I've got enough of my own. I'm not perfect, but I have always tried to live in... "Treat others as you wanna be treated."
But when you treat others with respect and are nice, when is it time they do treat you as you are treating them?? When did nice come to mean "walk all over me."? When did standing up for yourself me "treat me like crap more because you don't like me going against you."? When did trying to help others turn into "you don't accept me so I'm gonna make you feel guilty for it."?

Everything has been twisted these days. Its not ok to be "too nice". Which is who I am, I can't help it. I can't hide it either, I think manipulative people smell it miles away. I can tell strangers "No!" but my own friends and family have learned what to say or do to make me feel bad if I don't wanna do everything they want.
I hate manipulation. I don't hate manipulators... I just hate that they are either born that way, or feel they have to do it to get what they want.
I hate hating. I don't wanna hate anyone. When I feel I do, it makes me cry because it's a horrible feeling.

I started this blog so I could free my heart, but I haven't kept up writing here. I should. The more time away, the more I hold things in.... the more I feel in bondage.

I'm tired of my heart feeling trapped and hurting. I think my heart will always hurt cuz I'm so sensitive to the littlest mean thing... but I want my heart to feel free in its hurt, not bound.
I like people who can be soooo blunt in who they are, that they don't care what others think. Maybe they care if they hurt someone but in a sense don't care if they hurt someone cuz they are who they are.

I wanna be me. Fully free. Well, I am with one person. My best friend. Its why she's my best friend I guess. I feel that should be ok, that I don't have to have so much freedom with everyone else, she takes enough of my crap in free expression... but its not enough. I love her dearly and am sooo ridiculously grateful for who she is and what she puts up with from me. I want more tho.
I want that with all my loved ones family or friends.
Everytime I'm fully me tho, it gets put down or criticized, taken advantage of, or trying to change me. I wanna change in ways, I wanna be a better person. But I have to many people trying to change me into their selfish thoughts of what they desire or what they think is best.

Isn't it my life? Shouldn't I have freedom to grow, change, and give how I want. I'm ok with allowing others a bit more selfish freedom... but when will karma return to me? When will I reap what I sow?

Sigh. I'm tired. Emotionally drained and I don't know how to replenish that.

Thoughts? Opinions? Anyone?

I hate you

Have ever wanted to say "Fuck you! You don't get what you want this time. Its my turn."? 

Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

Supposed friends, fucking you over. 

Its not like me to curse, but I'm done. 

These are the best words when done.

FUCK YOU DICK!!!! 

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and him acting like I owe him.

What the fuck do I owe you?? Huh??

Nothing! I've paid my dues, and besides that....

FRIENDS OWE NOTHING!!! 

I have never treated my friends like he treats his.

Somehow he thinks its ok.

Why?

Cuz everyone lets him.

Then I finally stand up for myself and say...

ITS NOT OK!

And what happens...

yeah, I'm the one who gets fucked 

with the fucking crap. 

I'm done. 

Done.

But one fucking problem and it's all mine...

I'm stuck. 

I'm stuck and because I don't know how to get out, 

its really my problem.. 

right?

"They" say it takes two to tango, 

so then it's not all my fault. 

But my fucking problem 

that has allowed

this fucking drama... 

I take it. 

I stand up for myself 

one

two

maybe three times

then I ... 

give up. 

So I wanna be done. 

I'm so tired.

so tired.

stuck.

lost. 

How do I stop this?

Get away?

Let go?

Help?

Who knows

So there is a song by Natasha Beddingfield called "Who Knows", its a good song. Well that's kinda random cuz its not really where my mind is...

I wonder how many people see this. I just learned I have a 2nd follower, that's interesting to me cuz I know I gave the url to one friend... then I learned I didn't really wanna give this to in person friends.
Do you ever feel like talking to strangers is much easy? I do. I feel they aren't set in who they think I am, so I have freedom. I feel that even if they are judging me, they'll be to polite to tell me, so more freedom. I think I miss freedom.

Yet... a couple people I know, know I blog... or really its just writing to me... and I wonder if they have found this... and how much freedom I still have. Am I over thinking this?? Probably. But I know there are def 2 people I never want to see this cuz I never wanna here their judgement or anything.

Ok, all that was kinda random, and not at all what I'd normally post, but as I'm growing and over coming  problems, and as this is a free zone for me to post whatever I want... I just wanna grow past feeling hindered over what people think.
I used to not care, then one day I did and its such a battle to over come... sometimes I don't and that's nice.
Well, yeah, I just need to get over it and start blogging how I feel again. This isn't about what others think, its about freely expressing myself in a place where I'm not judged so I might hopefully grow and get past emotional hinderances...

Hope ya'll are able to get past your own hinderances, and if in anyway my blogs help, I'm glad and thank you for reading! :)

I wanna cry... and maybe I will

This is me

most of the time.

Just allowing a few tears,

while the pain holds in. 

But this is me, 

inwardly.

How I wanna be,

outwardly. 

I think this time I will allow it. If only I could have that freedom all the time.. 

I've been thru so much crap that I never deserved. I've never treated someone so bad. 

I've never had anyone treat me so bad besides my mother... but he did. 

Somehow he still gets away with it. 

I never in my life thought sorry wouldn't be enough... for the first time tho,

his sorrys don't change a thing. 

It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't heal the hurt. 

Maybe because he hasn't really changed what happened, and continues to hurt. 

I'm finally writing this because I realize I'm stuck. 

I don't know how to get unstuck. 

I've always had the strength.

Now I'm to weak. 

What I keep thinking most is:

He was always distracted by others. 

Always living in regret. 

Hanging on to them like he owned them.

And they clung on blindly.

I shouldn't have put up with it. 

I just kept thinking.... if he really wants to marry me, 

then I need to be willing to get thru anything.

I held on when I didn't know why.

I held on no matter how much he made me cry. 

I have never known a feeling so bad. 

A pain so deep. 

Now...

I just want it gone, 

so I can move on! 

So much time has past. 

I thought I had dealt with it. 

I think now I'm finally being fully honest.

My heart still hurts and I dont know how to let go.

but i want to.. 

so bad.

I've kinda met someone. Hes super nice. We have a lot in common while being complete opposites. He's so pure. Never even kissed a girl. I wanna give him a chance so bad, but I didn't realize how full my heart still was. He's such a nice guy that I don't wanna hurt him either. I feel so torn. I don't wanna miss a chance with an honest gentleman, but I don't want to hurt him. 

I don't know if I can't get feelings for him because my heart is full.... or if its just not meant to be. So I feel I'm trying to give it a chance.. yet I've realized I haven't fully healed. 

I also got lost in some illusion the past portrayed. 

I believed in promises that were broken.

Nothing is ever gonna happen.

There will never be room for me....

there never was. 

No matter what he say's,

actions really do speak louder than words. 

I need to let go, 

I just don't know .. 

how.