Ok. I just posted, and it is a post nothing like how I usually am. I don't hate or discriminate. I accept everyone and their problems because.. God knows I've got enough of my own. I'm not perfect, but I have always tried to live in... "Treat others as you wanna be treated."
But when you treat others with respect and are nice, when is it time they do treat you as you are treating them?? When did nice come to mean "walk all over me."? When did standing up for yourself me "treat me like crap more because you don't like me going against you."? When did trying to help others turn into "you don't accept me so I'm gonna make you feel guilty for it."?
Everything has been twisted these days. Its not ok to be "too nice". Which is who I am, I can't help it. I can't hide it either, I think manipulative people smell it miles away. I can tell strangers "No!" but my own friends and family have learned what to say or do to make me feel bad if I don't wanna do everything they want.
I hate manipulation. I don't hate manipulators... I just hate that they are either born that way, or feel they have to do it to get what they want.
I hate hating. I don't wanna hate anyone. When I feel I do, it makes me cry because it's a horrible feeling.
I started this blog so I could free my heart, but I haven't kept up writing here. I should. The more time away, the more I hold things in.... the more I feel in bondage.
I'm tired of my heart feeling trapped and hurting. I think my heart will always hurt cuz I'm so sensitive to the littlest mean thing... but I want my heart to feel free in its hurt, not bound.
I like people who can be soooo blunt in who they are, that they don't care what others think. Maybe they care if they hurt someone but in a sense don't care if they hurt someone cuz they are who they are.
I wanna be me. Fully free. Well, I am with one person. My best friend. Its why she's my best friend I guess. I feel that should be ok, that I don't have to have so much freedom with everyone else, she takes enough of my crap in free expression... but its not enough. I love her dearly and am sooo ridiculously grateful for who she is and what she puts up with from me. I want more tho.
I want that with all my loved ones family or friends.
Everytime I'm fully me tho, it gets put down or criticized, taken advantage of, or trying to change me. I wanna change in ways, I wanna be a better person. But I have to many people trying to change me into their selfish thoughts of what they desire or what they think is best.
Isn't it my life? Shouldn't I have freedom to grow, change, and give how I want. I'm ok with allowing others a bit more selfish freedom... but when will karma return to me? When will I reap what I sow?
Sigh. I'm tired. Emotionally drained and I don't know how to replenish that.
Thoughts? Opinions? Anyone?
No comments:
Post a Comment