iTs TiMe

In the scheme of life, whats really important?

Friends?

Love?

Finding yourself?

As I've been going thru this healing process of life,

I realize my issue isnt what's important.

My issue is breakin free,

so I can get to what's important.

I've been held back by others for so long,

and I wanna be done..

I am done.

I've been cutting off relationships,

not forever,

but for now.

It's just time right?

Time to heal and turn off their voice inside my head.

Time to figure out myself away from them

Time to mess up without their judgement.

Time to be free.

Most of all,

Time to...

Unlock the doors I've kept shut.

Its time to be me for me.

The only way to do that is to allow my door to open,

for me to come pouring out.

And be bold, unafraid.

Its time.

Pain of Love and the Choices we make for it.

"Choices.

Nearly a year of them, all told.

A year of the hardest choices I'd ever made.

And every time, without fail...

I'd chosen the dead-end road.

The one that led only to pain, if it led anywhere at all."

"Now the time had finally come for me to step away from that road...

and choose the path that really went somewhere.

The path that destiny itself had guided me to.

And in the end...

If the only choice that life has left you...

is a choice between something and nothing...

don't you in fact...

have no choice at all?

Well,...

Of course you do."

"Sometimes when I watch a happy couple from a distance,

which is something I do more often than a normal person should,

I wish I could warn them about love.

Warn them that it never goes quite the way you want it to.

That indeed, it can sometimes go so wrong...

so horribly, agonizingly wrong...

That you begin to fear it's killing you.

Or even that it has already killed you...

killed the very best part of you...

and left you

for dead.

But

I can't tell them that.

They'll have to learn it for themselves,

just as I did."

Hanging my heart for healing... finally.

This week...

I've been hanging my broken heart for all to see

I think tonight, something broke in me.

So tired of pretending to not care,

Just cuz friends say "Get over it"

So tired of holding everything in,

and actually believing...

I can JUST "Get over it"

This week....

I've been shutting out the world,

Cuz I just wanna heal.

I dont wanna hear crap,

from those who cant deal.

I'm ready to "Get over it",

but first..

My heart has some things to say!

This week...

I have learned its time to walk,

My own path

A new path

I love my friends,

but I'm jumping off

the pedastal

I wont do everything just right.

I will make mistakes

But at least I'm trying to live

again.... finally.

So I spoke up, finally, to someone. I grew a spine I guess.. or I grew mine back, its always been there, just out of operation lately, lol. Its amazing how strong we can be in the midst of turmoil, but how weak and tired we feel when its over. I have been weak, and slowly finding my strength. I'm glad I was honest.
I recognized tho, how much going thru so much friend drama brought more chaos into the relationship. Its amazing what we will put up with, stay thru, support, when we love someone enough. But sometimes going thru all that, even for love, is what breaks us.
I was thinking to- how everything is connected. So far I thought much of my pain and frustrations lately were from the break up... but amazingly, dealing with a hard friendship released so so much. Showing me how it connected some of my frustration in the relationship, I was relating it to him cuz he was there.. but really he did nothing. And now tonight.. my heart spoke, and it released me from more than I thought. And this is why my heart needs a voice.. to get over everything I've kept silent on. So this blog started off with healing of a broken relationship, but just may very well become healing in general. Letting my heart finally speak!

Why?

We said we were done. We said it was for the best. We each had our issues getting over, but I was sure you were over me... and you said you wanted me to be over you. So why are you acting like this? I'm trying to work thru my healing and grow stronger and to know that I am over so I dont hurt someone with a rebound... so why?

One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry

(Cry, cry, no more laughter) I should be happy
(Oh, why did he go)I only know that
Since he left my life's so empty

Though I try to forget it just can't be done
Each time the doorbell rings I still run
I don't know how in the world
To stop thinking of him
'Cause I still love him so
I end each day the way I start out
Crying my heart out

One less man to pick up after
No more laughter, no more love
Since he went away (he went away)

(One less bell to answer) Why did he leave me
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Now I've got one less egg to fry
One less egg to fry
(Why, why, why did he leave) And all I do is cry
(One less bell to answer) Because a man told me goodbye
(Why, why, why did he leave)
(One less bell to answer) Somebody tell me please
Where did he go, why did he go
(Why, why, why did he leave)tell me How could he leave me

(Burt Bacharach- One Less Bell to Answer)

Ok, so technically I made the final decision to walk away,

But its not like he ever came after me.

It still leaves emotions to deal with

Knowing...

He said how he wanted me,

But he didnt want ALL of me.

And I cant be second best or even tie for first.

I desire to be the one.

Wont settle for less.

So he's gone.



So twisted- but how many times so true

Not posting the lyrics this time... ya gotta check it for yourself.
Such a twisted song, but I get it. We were passionate in everything we did.. including our fighting. When it was good it was so GREAT, but when it was bad it was HORRIBLE.
It got to be so ridiculous, but it was what it was ya know. We still loved each other. I dont know if it's fortunate we got out or not. We say how we still love each other- but we were destroying each other. Just a month ago he was saying how he wished I'd move in with him again so he could take care of me, but I knew we couldnt go down that path again. I finally said no- that I didnt even wanna see him again, that I had to move on. That decision was one of the hardest I made. I dont know what he's thinking a month later cuz I wont go back anymore... but I find I still miss him like crazy. And tho I'm comparing guys less and less. 6 months of being broken up... but 5 of that still keeping in touch makes breaking up seriously hard to do. I can't quite say I lovED him like its over, cuz I still feel like its current, but I just keep tellin myself that one day I'll be over. One day, it'll be a memory. One day, someone else will take that place. One day...
One day.

What do you do when...

What do you do?

So you deeply love them, but they just wanna be friends. You know things could be great, because they were at one time, but they dont see anything in the future... except being friends.

Do you wait [hopeful or in denial of truth] for them, believing they just might change their mind someday? I mean, you are deeply in love and no matter what you do, you just cant see anyone else. You've tried, but you cant [even if you wait your whole life, lonely cuz they never chose you]
Do you give up the friendship [saying if its not more I dont want it!] and just let the person go [giving up, or honestly saying goodbye]? I mean, you did consider them as one of  your best friends, and you deeply love them. They say if you love something let it go, if its meant to be, it'll come back.. right?
Do you allow yourself to stay friends [accepting the truth] while you watch them go in and out of relationships [knowing they wont get in a relationship with you] and ache each break up that they run to you but dont choose you? I mean, like you've always been there for them, they are like your best friend, and you deeply love them. Maybe, ["just maybe" you think] the next time they'll see YOU and choose YOU[honestly knowing, they've made up their mind].

What do you do when you love someone, and maybe you two gave it a shot. It was passionately amazing, and not only did they say you were the best person they've ever dated, but you knew it [cuz you saw and heard how the others were and strived to top that]. Everything about the relationship says "the one"... till something changed[life happens- moves you, immobilizes, stresses you]... and then they couldnt handle it [didnt wanna fight for it]..
Do you give up when they say "break up"? I mean, you put all you could into it [counseling, friends, books, doing all their favorites], so there's nothing left right?
Do you stay and fight more [dragging the frustrations further]? I mean, you've been fighting, so it wouldnt be much different [but maybe this time something will break thru].
Do you just say ok, and walk away? I mean, its over right. At what point do you know to give up?

So maybe you are in love with your friend, and maybe you tried it with your friend and you broke up... somehow its all different now, and you know this... but something in you cant move forward[cuz you honestly loved them deeper than you've loved anyone]. What do you do then?
And what if you already made your choice[and it hurt so deeply to do, but you had to be strong] and then  you regret it... and you know- there is no turning back... cuz this decision was the final decision. What do you do then?

I'm sorry.