You'd think I'd learn

Somehow I still end up in the same place... 

I pray and wish so hard for these feelings to go away... 

They wont. 

They stay. 

So here I am inwardly feeling so torn apart, 

but on the outside I just smile big. 

I dont quite know how to handle this... 

either direction I go, I ache. 

If I leave, if I stay...

my feelings never go away. 

but when I stay, ...

everything feels twice as hard to handle.

So why dont I leave?

You'd think I'd learn...

so why havent I?

Why am I still here?

Paramore - Breathe

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Into your empty hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

Heard the cracking of my heart breaking... not a pleasent sound

Everything is over, but I was dealing to much with my hurts to see my heart.

Now you hold my heart in your hand, and you don't even know it.

And so here I am, feeling like I'm sitting in an empty room, alone.

Realizing, I can't go back and fill up the space.

So my lips are seal. 

There is nothing more I can say,

that you will hear. 

My words of the past have pushed you to far,

to have you near again.

But if I could say one thing

it would be.... 

and...

and for myself... 

I just sit thinking... 

asking... 

How do I move on?

How do I let go,

knowing I still love him?

The heart wants what the heart wants,

but it can't always have it. 

I've never been in this place.

So how do I stop this pain...

of desire for what I've lost?

Almost Lover... goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never

ever forget these images

Well i'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted

And i bet you are just fine

Did i make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Goodbye. It took near a yr, but I'm officially, finally... saying goodbye to it all. Just memories now, and memories is where it stops. I wish you well and blessings. I must turn now, walk down the road better designed for me, away from you. Goodbye VT-o.

iTs TiMe

In the scheme of life, whats really important?

Friends?

Love?

Finding yourself?

As I've been going thru this healing process of life,

I realize my issue isnt what's important.

My issue is breakin free,

so I can get to what's important.

I've been held back by others for so long,

and I wanna be done..

I am done.

I've been cutting off relationships,

not forever,

but for now.

It's just time right?

Time to heal and turn off their voice inside my head.

Time to figure out myself away from them

Time to mess up without their judgement.

Time to be free.

Most of all,

Time to...

Unlock the doors I've kept shut.

Its time to be me for me.

The only way to do that is to allow my door to open,

for me to come pouring out.

And be bold, unafraid.

Its time.

Pain of Love and the Choices we make for it.

"Choices.

Nearly a year of them, all told.

A year of the hardest choices I'd ever made.

And every time, without fail...

I'd chosen the dead-end road.

The one that led only to pain, if it led anywhere at all."

"Now the time had finally come for me to step away from that road...

and choose the path that really went somewhere.

The path that destiny itself had guided me to.

And in the end...

If the only choice that life has left you...

is a choice between something and nothing...

don't you in fact...

have no choice at all?

Well,...

Of course you do."

"Sometimes when I watch a happy couple from a distance,

which is something I do more often than a normal person should,

I wish I could warn them about love.

Warn them that it never goes quite the way you want it to.

That indeed, it can sometimes go so wrong...

so horribly, agonizingly wrong...

That you begin to fear it's killing you.

Or even that it has already killed you...

killed the very best part of you...

and left you

for dead.

But

I can't tell them that.

They'll have to learn it for themselves,

just as I did."

Hanging my heart for healing... finally.

This week...

I've been hanging my broken heart for all to see

I think tonight, something broke in me.

So tired of pretending to not care,

Just cuz friends say "Get over it"

So tired of holding everything in,

and actually believing...

I can JUST "Get over it"

This week....

I've been shutting out the world,

Cuz I just wanna heal.

I dont wanna hear crap,

from those who cant deal.

I'm ready to "Get over it",

but first..

My heart has some things to say!

This week...

I have learned its time to walk,

My own path

A new path

I love my friends,

but I'm jumping off

the pedastal

I wont do everything just right.

I will make mistakes

But at least I'm trying to live

again.... finally.

So I spoke up, finally, to someone. I grew a spine I guess.. or I grew mine back, its always been there, just out of operation lately, lol. Its amazing how strong we can be in the midst of turmoil, but how weak and tired we feel when its over. I have been weak, and slowly finding my strength. I'm glad I was honest.
I recognized tho, how much going thru so much friend drama brought more chaos into the relationship. Its amazing what we will put up with, stay thru, support, when we love someone enough. But sometimes going thru all that, even for love, is what breaks us.
I was thinking to- how everything is connected. So far I thought much of my pain and frustrations lately were from the break up... but amazingly, dealing with a hard friendship released so so much. Showing me how it connected some of my frustration in the relationship, I was relating it to him cuz he was there.. but really he did nothing. And now tonight.. my heart spoke, and it released me from more than I thought. And this is why my heart needs a voice.. to get over everything I've kept silent on. So this blog started off with healing of a broken relationship, but just may very well become healing in general. Letting my heart finally speak!