I hate you

Have ever wanted to say "Fuck you! You don't get what you want this time. Its my turn."? 

Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

Supposed friends, fucking you over. 

Its not like me to curse, but I'm done. 

These are the best words when done.

FUCK YOU DICK!!!! 

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and him acting like I owe him.

What the fuck do I owe you?? Huh??

Nothing! I've paid my dues, and besides that....

FRIENDS OWE NOTHING!!! 

I have never treated my friends like he treats his.

Somehow he thinks its ok.

Why?

Cuz everyone lets him.

Then I finally stand up for myself and say...

ITS NOT OK!

And what happens...

yeah, I'm the one who gets fucked 

with the fucking crap. 

I'm done. 

Done.

But one fucking problem and it's all mine...

I'm stuck. 

I'm stuck and because I don't know how to get out, 

its really my problem.. 

right?

"They" say it takes two to tango, 

so then it's not all my fault. 

But my fucking problem 

that has allowed

this fucking drama... 

I take it. 

I stand up for myself 

one

two

maybe three times

then I ... 

give up. 

So I wanna be done. 

I'm so tired.

so tired.

stuck.

lost. 

How do I stop this?

Get away?

Let go?

Help?

Who knows

So there is a song by Natasha Beddingfield called "Who Knows", its a good song. Well that's kinda random cuz its not really where my mind is...

I wonder how many people see this. I just learned I have a 2nd follower, that's interesting to me cuz I know I gave the url to one friend... then I learned I didn't really wanna give this to in person friends.
Do you ever feel like talking to strangers is much easy? I do. I feel they aren't set in who they think I am, so I have freedom. I feel that even if they are judging me, they'll be to polite to tell me, so more freedom. I think I miss freedom.

Yet... a couple people I know, know I blog... or really its just writing to me... and I wonder if they have found this... and how much freedom I still have. Am I over thinking this?? Probably. But I know there are def 2 people I never want to see this cuz I never wanna here their judgement or anything.

Ok, all that was kinda random, and not at all what I'd normally post, but as I'm growing and over coming  problems, and as this is a free zone for me to post whatever I want... I just wanna grow past feeling hindered over what people think.
I used to not care, then one day I did and its such a battle to over come... sometimes I don't and that's nice.
Well, yeah, I just need to get over it and start blogging how I feel again. This isn't about what others think, its about freely expressing myself in a place where I'm not judged so I might hopefully grow and get past emotional hinderances...

Hope ya'll are able to get past your own hinderances, and if in anyway my blogs help, I'm glad and thank you for reading! :)

I wanna cry... and maybe I will

This is me

most of the time.

Just allowing a few tears,

while the pain holds in. 

But this is me, 

inwardly.

How I wanna be,

outwardly. 

I think this time I will allow it. If only I could have that freedom all the time.. 

I've been thru so much crap that I never deserved. I've never treated someone so bad. 

I've never had anyone treat me so bad besides my mother... but he did. 

Somehow he still gets away with it. 

I never in my life thought sorry wouldn't be enough... for the first time tho,

his sorrys don't change a thing. 

It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't heal the hurt. 

Maybe because he hasn't really changed what happened, and continues to hurt. 

I'm finally writing this because I realize I'm stuck. 

I don't know how to get unstuck. 

I've always had the strength.

Now I'm to weak. 

What I keep thinking most is:

He was always distracted by others. 

Always living in regret. 

Hanging on to them like he owned them.

And they clung on blindly.

I shouldn't have put up with it. 

I just kept thinking.... if he really wants to marry me, 

then I need to be willing to get thru anything.

I held on when I didn't know why.

I held on no matter how much he made me cry. 

I have never known a feeling so bad. 

A pain so deep. 

Now...

I just want it gone, 

so I can move on! 

So much time has past. 

I thought I had dealt with it. 

I think now I'm finally being fully honest.

My heart still hurts and I dont know how to let go.

but i want to.. 

so bad.

I've kinda met someone. Hes super nice. We have a lot in common while being complete opposites. He's so pure. Never even kissed a girl. I wanna give him a chance so bad, but I didn't realize how full my heart still was. He's such a nice guy that I don't wanna hurt him either. I feel so torn. I don't wanna miss a chance with an honest gentleman, but I don't want to hurt him. 

I don't know if I can't get feelings for him because my heart is full.... or if its just not meant to be. So I feel I'm trying to give it a chance.. yet I've realized I haven't fully healed. 

I also got lost in some illusion the past portrayed. 

I believed in promises that were broken.

Nothing is ever gonna happen.

There will never be room for me....

there never was. 

No matter what he say's,

actions really do speak louder than words. 

I need to let go, 

I just don't know .. 

how. 

Near to you - A fine Frenzy

This is where I wish I was... cuz at least I'd be one step forward... one step closer... one step further away from where I am.

Lyrics

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

Maybe...

Maybe its my fault I often feel bound.... I get out of my head, grow a spine, get a life... then at some point I find myself back in my head, spineless, and lifeless... then Im left wondering when that happened...  so here I am, realizing and wanting to reverse it but instead will just have to try again.. and again.. and again, till I figure it out. Sigh...

You'd think I'd learn

Somehow I still end up in the same place... 

I pray and wish so hard for these feelings to go away... 

They wont. 

They stay. 

So here I am inwardly feeling so torn apart, 

but on the outside I just smile big. 

I dont quite know how to handle this... 

either direction I go, I ache. 

If I leave, if I stay...

my feelings never go away. 

but when I stay, ...

everything feels twice as hard to handle.

So why dont I leave?

You'd think I'd learn...

so why havent I?

Why am I still here?

Paramore - Breathe

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Into your empty hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood