I wanna cry... and maybe I will

This is me

most of the time.

Just allowing a few tears,

while the pain holds in. 

But this is me, 

inwardly.

How I wanna be,

outwardly. 

I think this time I will allow it. If only I could have that freedom all the time.. 

I've been thru so much crap that I never deserved. I've never treated someone so bad. 

I've never had anyone treat me so bad besides my mother... but he did. 

Somehow he still gets away with it. 

I never in my life thought sorry wouldn't be enough... for the first time tho,

his sorrys don't change a thing. 

It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't heal the hurt. 

Maybe because he hasn't really changed what happened, and continues to hurt. 

I'm finally writing this because I realize I'm stuck. 

I don't know how to get unstuck. 

I've always had the strength.

Now I'm to weak. 

What I keep thinking most is:

He was always distracted by others. 

Always living in regret. 

Hanging on to them like he owned them.

And they clung on blindly.

I shouldn't have put up with it. 

I just kept thinking.... if he really wants to marry me, 

then I need to be willing to get thru anything.

I held on when I didn't know why.

I held on no matter how much he made me cry. 

I have never known a feeling so bad. 

A pain so deep. 

Now...

I just want it gone, 

so I can move on! 

So much time has past. 

I thought I had dealt with it. 

I think now I'm finally being fully honest.

My heart still hurts and I dont know how to let go.

but i want to.. 

so bad.

I've kinda met someone. Hes super nice. We have a lot in common while being complete opposites. He's so pure. Never even kissed a girl. I wanna give him a chance so bad, but I didn't realize how full my heart still was. He's such a nice guy that I don't wanna hurt him either. I feel so torn. I don't wanna miss a chance with an honest gentleman, but I don't want to hurt him. 

I don't know if I can't get feelings for him because my heart is full.... or if its just not meant to be. So I feel I'm trying to give it a chance.. yet I've realized I haven't fully healed. 

I also got lost in some illusion the past portrayed. 

I believed in promises that were broken.

Nothing is ever gonna happen.

There will never be room for me....

there never was. 

No matter what he say's,

actions really do speak louder than words. 

I need to let go, 

I just don't know .. 

how. 

Near to you - A fine Frenzy

This is where I wish I was... cuz at least I'd be one step forward... one step closer... one step further away from where I am.

Lyrics

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

Maybe...

Maybe its my fault I often feel bound.... I get out of my head, grow a spine, get a life... then at some point I find myself back in my head, spineless, and lifeless... then Im left wondering when that happened...  so here I am, realizing and wanting to reverse it but instead will just have to try again.. and again.. and again, till I figure it out. Sigh...

You'd think I'd learn

Somehow I still end up in the same place... 

I pray and wish so hard for these feelings to go away... 

They wont. 

They stay. 

So here I am inwardly feeling so torn apart, 

but on the outside I just smile big. 

I dont quite know how to handle this... 

either direction I go, I ache. 

If I leave, if I stay...

my feelings never go away. 

but when I stay, ...

everything feels twice as hard to handle.

So why dont I leave?

You'd think I'd learn...

so why havent I?

Why am I still here?

Paramore - Breathe

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Reaching for your hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

If I could find out how
To make you listen now
Because I'm starving for you here
With my undying love
And I, I will

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way

I climb, I slip, I fall
Into your empty hands
But I lay here all alone
Sweating all your blood

Heard the cracking of my heart breaking... not a pleasent sound

Everything is over, but I was dealing to much with my hurts to see my heart.

Now you hold my heart in your hand, and you don't even know it.

And so here I am, feeling like I'm sitting in an empty room, alone.

Realizing, I can't go back and fill up the space.

So my lips are seal. 

There is nothing more I can say,

that you will hear. 

My words of the past have pushed you to far,

to have you near again.

But if I could say one thing

it would be.... 

and...

and for myself... 

I just sit thinking... 

asking... 

How do I move on?

How do I let go,

knowing I still love him?

The heart wants what the heart wants,

but it can't always have it. 

I've never been in this place.

So how do I stop this pain...

of desire for what I've lost?

Almost Lover... goodbye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind images

You sang me spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes clever trick

Well I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me in the shade

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never

ever forget these images

Well i'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and i'm haunted

And i bet you are just fine

Did i make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Why can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

Goodbye. It took near a yr, but I'm officially, finally... saying goodbye to it all. Just memories now, and memories is where it stops. I wish you well and blessings. I must turn now, walk down the road better designed for me, away from you. Goodbye VT-o.